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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Chinese and their Wolwo cars

What happens when a long established Swedish car manufacturer is brought under the control of its new Chinese owners? The result - a clash of the titans.

Since the Chinese takeover in 2010, an unnerving debate has rocked the top echelons of the Volvo Car Corporation. The two titans, China’s billionaire owner Li Shufu and the established board of Volvo headed by the CEO Hakan Samuelsson, clashed over the positioning of the company. Should Volvo maintain its “safe, solid and understated in a Swedish way” or expand into a “wannabe luxury brand” pandering to a Chinese taste for excess and bling?

This is the classic cultural clash playing before our very eyes in the commercial world.

Li Shufu believes Volvo could double its global sales by just selling into China’s new rich. China’s new ‘bling-driven’ sector wants to tout their newly acquired social status by driving large premium high powered cars. Manufacturers from Germany have been their natural choice - Audi, Mercedes and BMW tops the list. Volvo’s niche, cultivated over decades focuses on safety and understatement, sits uncomfortably amidst this “bling-driven" segment.

This polarity between Volvo's European approach to management and its new owner may have broader implications on the way we universally define ‘development’. If Li Shufu prevails in his approach and drags Volvo out of its comfort zone into China’s premium, ‘bling-driven’ market, it would join the ranks of many brands moving away from their traditional positioning. KFC in Indonesia has added packets of rice to their menu complementing their spicy chicken, Macdonalds’ “Fortune Burger” for Chinese New Year, VW’s localised Santana cars and Starbucks ‘green tea cino” are examples of the emerging sino-nised brands.

Could this be the harbinger of the sinonisation of the west?

Would western women start to go under the knife to make their faces more eastern? Would the Queen start to have soyabean milk with her tea? Would the first lady from the USA dress in the traditional cheong-sam on official engagements? And would it be considered polite to drink from a soup bowl instead of using the badly designed soup spoon during Thanksgiving dinner?

Somehow I don’t think so, at least not in my generation or even the next. But I do believe that in the next 100 years, the current western-biased definition of what is considered developed will have a sino slant.

The industrial revolution started in UK in mid-18th century was the biggest cultural export ever created by Europe. The resulting westernisation has pervaded every fibre of the world. It has influenced the way we live, work, play, think and what we consider as beautiful. In the next century there will be a reversal – Sinonisation of the west and the concept of what is considered “developed” will shift to an Asian-biased perspective. The Australian government has recognised this and in 2013 published the country’s new direction entitled “The Asian Century”. Australia has publicly announced their intention to be part of the new world – the Asian led century.

Soon our grandchildren may even find Yangzhou Fried Rice on the menu of Macdonalds in New York city replacing the BigMac, or Long-Jing teacino at one of the cafes in Venice replacing the Cappuccino and the street kids in Boston running around saying "Ni Hao" instead of "yoo!".

In the meantime we can continue to exist in the knowledge that when we drive a Volvo we feel safely conservative until Volvo’s Chinese plant in Chengdu, starts to produce a stretched and more luxurious “Bling version” of the smaller S80 sedan.


They might even badge the S80 as the S80W..... "W" for Wolwo.

Friday, November 29, 2013

The Chinese and the Fork

During a Chinese banquet in Shenzhen, my American guest asked for a fork knowing he would not get too far with a pair of chopsticks. It was his first visit to China and I was responsible for introducing the many delights of the Chinese culture to him during his visit to the country.

“I am glad they invented these for us westerners” referring to the fork when it was handed to him.

Almost immediately these words reminded me of the tale of a wise old man from Lanzhou I once met many years ago. With sun-baked face and wrinkled hands, this seasoned senior citizen informed me that the Chinese used the ‘Cha’ – fork as a dining tool before the ‘Kuaizi’ – chopsticks. Hearing this was indeed counter intuitive to my understanding of the history of chopsticks. I had thought that the Chinese only ever used the chopsticks as a dining tool.

This wise old man told me that the ‘Kuaizi’ only became a dining tool during the Shang Dynasty, almost 4000 years ago. Before that the Chinese had “Cha’ – the fork, usually made out of animal bones and used by the elite class.

During an archaeological excavation in the Gansu Province, North West China, a Xia Dynasty’s three-prong fork was unearthed from the site. Similar finds were recorded in succeeding excavations from the follow up Dynasties – Shang, Zhou and the Warring States all dating back about 1500 BC. In the Shang Dynasty tomb a coarsely crafted three-prong fork made out of animal bone was found amongst other pots and containers.

In the West the first recording of the use of a fork as an eating tool only appeared almost 2,000 years later in Constantinople, during the Byzantine Empire (400 AD).

So does this mean that the Chines also invented the Fork?

If they did, it begs the question why the Chinese replaced the fork/knife with the chopsticks as an eating tool on the dining table?

Legend has it that due to the enormous population growth in ancient China, the demand for resources necessitated meals to be prepared quickly without wasting precious fuel. To facilitate quicker cooking meat/vegetables were pre-sliced into smaller pieces, making the knife and fork less relevant as a dining tool on the table. In its place a more efficient tool was used - the “Kuai’ (Quick) ‘zi’ (bamboo tool).



Confucius also played a part in the popularisation of chopsticks as an eating utensil. According to his non-aggressive philosophy, sharp tools like knives/forks represented violence and warfare and that they did not belong to the dining table. He believed joy and contentment should come with every meal and in a resource limited country abundance of food and consumption of it underpinned happiness.

So my dear American friend, in your next visit to China, try using the chopstick, it’s much faster and more efficient and above all it brings uncanny joy and contentment to your every meal.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Me: The colonial master.

Illustrations only.Not an actual representation of the colony.
Over the weekend I decided to extend the boundary of my side gate 2 metres further forward amassing an additional 4 sq metres of land I can now call 'mine'.

After completing the land grab, I sat down with a cup of green tea savouring the colonisation of the additional space with plans to stake my claim with a wisteria by the gate. In two years the wisteria would vine over the gate showering the entrance with explosions of purple flowers. I felt an uncanny connection almost immediately with this additional plot of dirt.

"Is this what colonisation feels like?" I wondered, finishing my green tea.


The British Empire and its exploits came straight to mind.


The British Empire ruled a total land size of 33.7 million sq km lording over almost 500 million people. By the late 1800s it had absolute influence over 25% of the world's population from the Americas to China and numerous countries in between. This was truly an empire on which the sun never sets, as its expanse across the globe was so widespread the sun will always be shining on one part of the empire.


My dominion over the weekend land grab gave me an insight to the motivations of the British Empire - ownership over a plot of dirt. This urge to dominate has empowered a tiny island of no more than 0.3 million sq kms to land grab an aggregated area of more than 100 times its size? Not bad for a small nation.


Of course all good things had to come to an end. After almost 250 years with the handover of Hong Kong back to China in 1997 the final chapter in the de-colonisation of the Empire was complete. Apart from Gibraltar and the Falklands, the legacy of the Empire can now be seen in the 14 territories of generally uninhibited islands.

Perhaps in 250 years, I might have to do the same and hand over my wisteria filled colony. But I can assure my subjects from this plot of dirt I will not exploit this land, as did the stewards of the British Empire.

The pledge to my subjects:
· I will not to kill any living organism on this plot including ants, earthworms and spiders.
· I will improve the bio eco system of this plot by enriching the soil, growing wisteria and generally turning the 4 sqms into a sanctuary for the birds and the bees.
· I will transform this parched plot of dirt into a lush green and purple paradise.

Artist's impression of the sanctuary

I now have to strive hard for my subjects and will start with buying the wisteria plant, propagating soil, fertilisers, chicken wire (for the creeping wisteria) and nails.

I never knew it is so hard to be a good colonial master.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

400 million mainland Chinese still do not speak Mandarin

It has taken more than 2,100 years for China to achieve some form of linguistic unification. But it has a long way to go yet.

My wife and I decided to eat out at a loud, oily and authentic Chinese restaurant in Box Hill, a suburb of Melbourne.

An overworked Chinese waitress hurried over with a pad and pencil ready to take our order. She was no more than 20 years old, perhaps a student from China working to supplement her income. The restaurant is renown for its authentic home-cooked food and definitely not for its service.

When it comes to ordering at a Chinese restaurant, I have long given up that responsibility to my wife.  Being a Shanghai born veteran from the good old motherland, her knowledge of Chinese foods far outweighs my usual 'lap cheong fan' pork sausage rice or Hainan Chicken Rice.

My wife spoke in Mandarin (pu tong hua) the national language of mainland China, the waitress answered in Cantonese, a dialect from the Southern region of China.  I noticed the student's answers seemed slightly misaligned with my wife's questions. It became obvious, after a few more questions, the waitress did not understand my wife.

With growing frustration we pointed at the two dishes we wanted written in Chinese on the menu. Almost immediately the waitress understood and scribbled the order on her pad.

"lei huong gong lei ka?" (Are you from Hong Kong) I asked the young student in Cantonese. My Shanghai wife does not speak Cantonese.

"Hai a" (Oh yes) relieved that I could speak Cantonese.

"Ngo mm sek kong putong wa ke" (I cannot speak pu tong hua "mandarin ") placing the tea and two cups on the table and with a slight smile she scuffled off.

Obviously my wife and the waitress understood the written language on the menu, but could not communicate verbally. This juxtaposition of the Chinese language is an issue still facing China today.

The Chinese government recently launched yet another awareness program, targeting 400 million people who do not speak pu tong hua, a reminiscent of the attempt by China's first emperor Qin Shi Huang.

Emperor Qin Shi Huang unified the country with one written language and mandated one spoken language, 'Mandarin' to resolve the issue of mutually unintelligible dialects used by officials in the royal court. Without a follow-up mandate to use Mandarin as the standard spoken vernacular for commoners, Mandarin remained within the royal courts or at least the language of the elite and scholars. The emergence of a new nationalism in the 1900s created the modern vernacular Chinese adopting the new national standard 'putonghua'.

However, with this linguistic unity, why in the year 2014 one Chinese from Shanghai is still unable to communicate with another Chinese from Hong Kong unless they resort to the written language?

The 150-year British rule of Hong Kong may have something to do with it. British sovereignty had isolated the territory from changes in mainland China allowing its local dialect, Cantonese, to remain as the dominant means of verbal communication ahead of English and Mandarin. Hong Kongers understand the written Chinese language, but choose to use Cantonese as the preferred verbal expression of the language. Half the population in Hong Kong are still unable to or choose not to speak Mandarin replicating the issues experienced by the court officials of emperor Qin Shi Huang. Hong Kong even have their own written vernacular Cantonese informally used by the media to reach the masses. A mainland Chinese visiting Hong Kong may not understand some of the billboards around the city. 

The linguistic unification of China started 2100 years ago is still ongoing. Give it another few more years, as China continues to flex its economic muscles, there will no doubt be compelling reasons to adopt pu tong hua. Hopefully by the next generation or two a Shanghai person would be able to order food at any Cantonese restaurant all over the world using one common language - Pu Tong Hua.  


Friday, October 4, 2013

Do not mortgage your face


The USA and Brazil are the top two spots in the world for number of cosmetic surgeries performed in a year. China, with 2 million women going under the knife and the number doubling every year will soon replace USA.

Most want to enhance their looks but increasingly concerns are for those who want an entire replacement face from original into the face of their current idol.

Catch a beauty pageant in China or Korea and you will not be able to distinguish between the contestants as they all sport large eyes, western noses and sumptuous lips staring at you with a glazed, expressionless botox-face. Similarly, walk down Vietnamese town in Melbourne Australia, and every shop owners’ wife will have a familiar feign face from the work of the limited number of cosmetic surgeons operating in the suburb. You may also chance upon a "tai tai" mum looking more stunning than her teenage daughter strolling along Orchard Road in Singapore. Watch Korea's K-pop music scene and you will see walking advertisements of the country's top cosmetic surgeons.

Quite apart from making multi-millionaires out of already rich surgeons, this face-replacement fad has unintended social consequences in China. A man had successfully sued his wife for being ugly. He was granted a divorce and awarded damages on grounds his wife had deceived him into marriage. She did not reveal her face-replacement surgery undertaken a number of years before she met and then married him. He only came to know his wife’s previous looks from their first born daughter, who he claimed did not look like either of them and uncharacteristically ugly. He has now successfully added ugliness to adultery; insanity and cruelty as grounds for divorce in China.

Apart from the tendency to destroy each other, humans have another genetic flaw, judging others by their appearances. Research has shown that, most of humans form an opinion of someone within the first 5 minutes based solely on their looks and what they wear. An entire industry has emerged advising lawyers, plaintiffs and defendants on their aesthetic choices as psychologist have demonstrated convincingly that attractive defendants get lighter sentences than less appealing ones. The entertainment industry for centuries have further contributed to this genetic flaw joined by the marketing and personal health development industry.

What has gone wrong fellow humans?

So what happened to inner beauty? What happened to 'do not judge a book by its cover?' Thankfully it is still there, except that it only reveals itself with wisdom, old age or awakening.

Learn form the wise one, the old folk and the awaken one. Beauty is certainly not in the hands of the surgeon. Beauty is already in you, right from birth, you just momentarily forgot that it is there. Recognise and harness this beauty early in your life and you will see the futility of having to re arrange your face.

So take care humans, do not mortgage your face as it may turn out to be a non-refundable loan.







Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Don't be the last fool to own a diamond

Diamonds are valuable - except for the last fool who owns it.

In a suite at a five-star Hong Kong hotel one Friday morning, a row of 64 pink, blue and red diamonds lay on display, each encased in individual boxes. A line of security guards outnumbering buyers eyeing the boxes, each guard appropriately armed with weapons that would bring down any one silly enough to think the unthinkable.

Chinese buyers wonder around the array of diamonds, each knowing that they share this honour with other privileged invited guests. By mid afternoon all 64 rocks are sold to a handful of buyers for an undisclosed amount of money.

China has the unenviable privilege of being the second largest diamond market in the world after America.

For a rock that has little or no intrinsic value and is in plentiful supply, it has created a US$80 billion industry in China, enough to buy the country of Kenya and mop up all the beautiful islands of Maldives at the same time.

If there is no intrinsic value and it is not scarce, then why are diamonds so valuable?

They are valuable simply because Gerold M. Lauck, from a New York advertising agency and Henry Oppenheimer from De Beers, told us so back in 1938.

Between Gerold and Henry, they invented the intrinsic value of diamonds.

The agency created one of the most powerful campaigns in the world successfully linking the value of love to the size of a rock. De Beers monopolised global production, the supply chain and severely restricted and controlled re-sell markets.

By mid to late 1940s the scene was set to price its products to whatever level the company deemed it to be.

Diamonds are indeed forever, as once bought you will not be able to re-sell it unless of course you can find a bigger fool to buy it from you. 

History is rigged with examples of individuals, companies and governments unsuccessfully selling their diamonds. The disastrous attempt by Israel to offload their US$850 million stockpile of investment-grade diamonds in 1970s was one example. After a long a exhaustive search, they found one buyer - De Beers themselves offering a steeply discounted price. Many dealers and investors fell into hard times as a result of this re-sell void.

Dealers all around the world have an unwritten rule not to buy diamonds from the public unless it is bought back at severely reduced price. Walk down Fifth Avenue New York with a diamond under your arms trying to sell it, would be a futile exercise as a London-based consumer magazine MoneyWatch found out with their decade long test diamond experiment. The magazine tried selling their gem-quality diamond bought 10 years earlier in London and New York, but no retailer nor dealer in either cities were willing to pay cash for it. One dealer was willing to do a diamond-to-diamond swap based on the dealer's valuation and the dealer was non-other than one of De Beers' own chains.

In short when you buy a diamond, you will never be able to realise the price you paid for initially. Many have tried selling and failed. Most simply resign to keeping their diamonds and live under the illusion that they have bought a valuable piece of junk. They have fallen into a value-trap that distills their love into a size of a 1gm rock and mortgaged part of their personal value systems to the whims of a multi-billion dollar conglomerate.

The diamond industry will make sure you do not sell your diamonds. They want you to keep it for good. Diamonds are indeed forever as there simply isn't a re-sell market. So buy diamonds by all means - just do not be the last fool to own it. 



Thursday, September 12, 2013

Fried rice is not spelled correctly

Isn't it time "Fried Rice" is spelled "Flied Lice?"

On a wet and cold Saturday afternoon, I chanced upon an old-time American TV series “Charlie Chan” created by Earl Derr Biggers, an American novelist and playwright in the 1930s. “Charlie Chan” was Hollywood’s perspective of the way Chinese spoke English, confusing their “Ls” and their “Rs”. Following a successful run on TV, the theme was repeated in countless films and TV shows, Fu Manchu and the long running British TV series “Mind your language” come to mind.

Notwithstanding the offensive nature of this impression of Asians, I wanted to find out if it is indeed culturally biased.

It is true that the Japanese and Korean language have no distinct English-type “L” and “R” sounds. There is however an in-between sound “Lr” or the “Rl”.

However, for mainland Chinese it’s important to note that the extent of this non-distinct sound differs depending on which part of the country they come from. For instance Northern Chinese has the same non-distinct English-type sound as Koreans and Japanese. Perhaps their proximity to each other has something to do with it. But in Southern China, the Cantonese dialect has a very clear “L” but a semi distinct "R" English-type sound. The result would be confusingly, "Flied Rice".

If we look further afield it gets even more interesting.

The French has problems with their English-type “R” confusing it with the “W”; Germans and Russians have issues with their “V” and W”; Italians with “T” and “D”; Greeks with their “G” and “K”.

Fried rice may turn out sounding like “Fwied Wice” by the French.

Warning: Do not spoil your romantic night out by asking a French to order fried rice in English.

Given that the non-distinct “L” and “R” is not culturally biased, then is this mix-up because of something else? Could it be due to the follies of the English language itself? Not being a phonetic language, learning it can be difficult for non-English speaking cultures, as so often the sound of the words are not the same way as it is spelled.

For instance the sound of “ough” in “rough” is not the same as “plough” or “cough”; the verb “bow” sounds different to the noun “bow” and worst of all the sound of “jail” is spelled “gaol”.

The English language only took on a self appointed dominance since the mid-20th century. Until then, French has been the language of diplomacy and together with German is still the official language of the current European Economic Community. Against popular beliefs the lingua franca for India/Pakistan is not English, it is Hindi or Urdu. And of course none of the Asian economies have English as their first language. According to the British Council, only 12% of the people in the world speak English as a native or as a second language. The rest gets their “Ls”, “Rs”, “Vs”, “Ws”, “Ts” and “Ds” mixed up.

So with 88% of the people in this world speaking English with mixed-up sounds, isn't it time we accept “Flied Lice” for fried rice; “WoWo” for Volvo; “Ordoves” for Hors d'oeuvre and “Cwasong” for croissant?

One day there may even be a long running TV comedy series impersonating an Englishman mis-pronouncing flied lice.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

You must be mad to be married

At a bar not too far from the Family Courts in Taipei, Taiwan, I overheard a divorce lawyer slurring his words: 

“You must be mad to get married in Taiwan.”

He must have had a hard day at the divorce courts.


Just recently, a jilted wife in Taiwan filed for divorce from her adulterous husband with unintended consequences. Adultery is a criminal offence in the country and each ‘shot’ of adultery can put you in jail for 4 months. For a 5-year affair with his neighbour the husband was faced with the prospect of a 298-year jail sentence.

The country’s fault-based divorce laws sit in stark contrast with the emerging global adoption of a no-fault divorce laws where couples can get divorced without one person having to prove that the other one is "at fault" for the breakdown of their marriage. New York City in 2012 became the last State in the US to replace their fault-based divorce laws, joining a growing number of other countries.

In our global village many differences between the east and the west are being bridged with cheaper and faster technology, the affairs of the heart is one last bastion of change that is still finding strong resistance within parts of Asia.

According to a recent latest survey done by the justice ministry of Taiwan in April 2013, 82% of people said they opposed decriminalisation of adultery. Most married women surveyed in Taiwan chose to keep this law as they believe making it a criminal offense will stop their husbands cheating on them. I suspect the judiciary 
also  works on the general policy that divorce is bad and marriage is good and one way to keep people married is to make divorce hard to get by only granting divorce based on a list of state-approved reason, like adultery, insanity, or extreme cruelty.

Unfortunately “unhappiness” does not seem to be listed as a reason.

So if both were unhappy with each other in Taiwan and neither subscribes to being adulterous nor cruel then they are trapped forever. ……till death do us part?

Unless of course if you plead insanity – get yourself diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder.

Coincidentally, in 2012 the prevalence of common mental disorders has doubled over the past 20 years in Taiwan, paralleling increases in unemployment, divorce and suicide, according to the results of a study by Taiwan's top research institute, Academia Sinica. The study highlighted that being a married woman increases the risk of having a mental disorder.

Putting the results of the survey and study together, does this mean that there may be plenty of unhappy women in Taiwan wanting to get out of a marriage – and the only way out is to be mad?

Perhaps the divorce lawyer was not as drunk as I imagined him to be.


Monday, September 2, 2013

Father's Day in Australia

Father's Day with a Dragon, Ox, Rat, two Monkeys and a Rabbit.

The Australians celebrated their Father’s Day last Sunday together with the first day of Spring. It was indeed a glorious day for Melbourne. With the explosion of flowers in my garden the weekend presented itself with a brilliant sun-filled carnival atmosphere.

Holding onto the old mumpsimus that the value of a present defines the level of ones love, the retail industry offered a smorgasbord of gift ideas for the man of the day. One could not escape from the barrage of advertisements; bombarding came from air, sea and land pushing everything from TVs to monogramed torches.

Our family’s notion of not participating in a commercially driven Father’s Day sits unseemly in the lead up to a day that is meant for me (yes I am a dad).  

My daughter arrived with a home-baked flourless orange cake, garnished with manicured strips of curled orange peel, topped with clear crisp icing sugar. She is meticulous when it comes to cooking or presentation of food. Perhaps being a Monkey in the Chinese Zodiac has something to do with it.

My son, the Dragon, came with his usual smile. The Dragon does not do things, it gets things done. No doubt he would claim credit to the cake by other means. He did brew a mean cup of coffee though.

The other daughter, a Rat, the industrious international traveler had decided to add to her life experience and now in a time zone that is 17 hours behind Australia. But I am sure she will be thinking of this day missing the activities.

I then have another Monkey, lost in her own world preparing for the guaranteed sumptuous dinner for me, contributed to a busy kitchen at my place. Her flair for design and ability to up-sell a normal dinner suggests yet another Monkey in our midst.

Not too long into the afternoon, my niece, an Ox, announced her arrival with yet another cake – this time the infamous Durian cake. For the uninitiated, the Durian is the king of fruits in Asia with a smell so pungent that gets the fruit banned from hotels, airlines and even rented cars. Being an Ox, she is methodical and a voluble young woman she is contributed to the festivities on this Father’s Day.

Then the Rabbit wife, fresh from finishing her famous petite Shanghai Egg Tarts, busied herself to being the wonderful host. She made sure we had the right plates and splayd for desserts which by now had filled the entire length of the kitchen bench.

For this Father’s Day the plenitude of foods can only be matched by the decibels created by the people in my home.

I must say, spending your Father’s Day at home with all these animals as well as a Dragon, beats getting a smart HDTV and certainly more relaxing than fighting for a table in an overcrowded, expensive and not to mention pretentious restaurant.

I hope you guys had just a lovely Father’s Day as mine.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Chinese speaking English



In a cafe in Vermont, an eastern suburb of Melbourne, two Aussie guys are having a conversation. They are having their Saturday afternoon caffeine shot in a local bakery cum cafe.

"When you ask them a question, they simply stare you in the eye - stupidly" one guy refers to his experience with Chinese migrants in Australia.

"You know, they cannot even speak English, they must be stupid or something. I cannot understand why they even bother to come here" his friend replies.

In another part of town a shop assistant in a Louis Vuitton store approaches a customer.

"Good afternoon - how are you?" a well-trained shop assistant would ask an open question and always start a dialogue with a greeting.

Ignoring the Australian shop assistant, the Chinese lady and her friend continues looking at a handbag. Instinctively knowing when to keep his distance, the shop assistant politely retreats keeping vigilant on the Chinese customer from afar.

He has started a course in basic conversational Chinese and after a few months is able to decipher basic words. Tuning into the conversation the shop assistant hears these words in Chinese and manage to interpret the conversation literally.

"xi huan ma?" do you like it? questions her friend. (do you like it?)
"ma ma hu hu" horse horse tiger tiger - she replies. (its ok)
"Ma shang mai la" on top of horse buy la! - getting impatient (buy it quickly)
"Wo la du zi" I am pulling belly (I am getting a tummy ache)
"Huang se hen pei ni" yellow suits you - compliments her friend (yellow suits you)

Knowing that majority of their customers are from mainland China, Louis Vuitton insist that their full time staff attends a basic Chinese conversational course. The shop assistant by now is into his 6th week of his course and he realises his level of his Chinese is not quite up to scratch but he is sure his literal translation is not wrong. However, the conversation he heard is not making sense to him, especially the part about being on top of a horse, tigers and something about pulling belly. 

But queuing in on the comment about the yellow colour he zooms into the pair and compliments the yellow handbag the Chinese lady is looking at.

"zhe ge hen piao liang. hen pei ni" this is very beautiful and it suits you. The shop assistant dredging up enough Chinese to compliment the lady's selection.

A good shop assistant would comment on the product and subtly compliments a customer's choice.

Much to the surprise of the shop assistant the lady replies "Yes, I like....."

"Try it" queuing into the Chinese customer's choice. He takes the LV bag off the shelf and straps it around the arms of the customer. He stands back and admires the A$5,000 handbag on the customer.

Then without warning the question came out of the customer's mouth:

"This make out of beef or pork?" pointing to the handbag.

Without flinching nor letting out his explosive urge to laugh the shop assistant replies:

"Its made of pork. Pork is pre-dried and re-oiled before making bag!"  The handbag is made from pigskin specially from Papua New Guinea

"Re-oiled? Waaaa!" a final smile from the Chinese customer.

"OK I buy. Also the little pig?" pointing to a purse - with a A$2,500 price tag.

With a smile on his face, the shop assistant hands the customer a receipt for $7,500, wrapping the two items with utmost care and with both hands hands the two items to the Chinese customer.

Without a word or smile, the customer walks out of the shop.

By this time the two Aussie blokes in Vermont are finishing their two cafe lattes. After paying A$7 they both walk out of the cafe accidentally brushing a Chinese student.

"Bloody stupid Chinese" staring at the young student who is tucking hungrily into a bag of chips.


Even Louis Vuitton is realising the world is changing - I hope these two blokes wake up one day.


Monday, August 19, 2013

Fermented grapes.



$233,000 for a bottle of wine: it has something to to do with Descartes.

Penfolds
The world’s most expensive wine sold out of a winery, was the Penfolds “2004 Block 42 Kalimna”. It was sold for A$168,000. The company produced only 12 of these wines and one of their very first customer was a Chinese restaurateur in Hong Kong - Mr Wong Wing Chee.

The world's most expensive bottle of wine ever sold at an auction was Châteaux Lafite-Rothschild bought by another Hong Kong Chinese for $232,692. Chateaux Latfite Rothschild has sold a few thousand bottles into China to-date.

Châteaux Lafite-Rothschild
Chateaux Lafite-Rothschild
There are no records of wine collections sold privately. I am sure somewhere a Chinese might have paid more than the prices fetched by auctioneers or wineries.

But what do they taste like?

Penfold’s chief wine maker: “There is something magical about this wine, it has an ethereal dimension and a saturated blackness on the palate and it’s extraordinarily perfumed with layer upon layer of flavor.”

I struggle with understanding what saturated blackness tastes like especially when it comes in various layers. Imagine trying to translate this into the Chinese language. Perhaps the wine maker is just trying to tell us what he thinks it tastes like.

Numerous research have proven that there is little if not no correlation between taste and price. http://ageconsearch.umn.edu/handle/37328.

The experience (taste) of wine is merely an interpretation of our senses by our brain. This interpretation is at best highly subjective. If we think or told that the wine is good – it must taste good. The problem here is neither with the wine, nor the marketing machinery but with our expectation that our tongue and sense of smell can be used to define objective pleasure. We expect that taste can be quantified on a 100 point scale.

We've somehow manage to turn the most romantic of drinks into a commodity worthy of Consumer Reports and price levels.

In other words, we have been fooled or our tongues have been fooled by our brains. "I think therefore I am" - Rene' Descartes. Perhaps Descartes himself may have even helped the French wine industry by convincing the world to think that French wines are the best wines.

So for the rest of us normal folks, who may not have a spare few hundred thousand dollars to spend on Penfolds Block 42 or Châteaux Lafite-Rothschild, I am sure we can imagine the taste to be layer upon layer of flavorsome black fermented grapes.







Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Why we do what we do?



Red wine with red meat
At a Chinese lunch many years ago in Malaysia, the host honored me with an expensive bottle of red wine. To make the occasion even more special he asked the waiter for an ice bucket. I remember feeling a little odd and almost wasteful drinking chilled expensive red and eating spicy Sichuan cuisine.

Fast forward 15 years, sipping Sangria on my patio on a hot Australian summer got me thinking about the lunch in Malaysia. I start to wonder if it is really that odd?

I ask: "why is it that we do what we do?"

Just last week, I ordered eye fillet steak in a lovely restaurant owned by the French chef whose name I would not attempt to pronounce. The chef’s cooking genre is heavily influenced by his apprenticeship in Indonesia and he is now renowned for spice-flavoured steak.

I ordered a Sauvignon Blanc to go with my medium steak.

I caught the guy at the table next to me silently mouthing “red meat and white wine – huh?” to his girlfriend seated across his table. He was obviously trying to impress his date she had gone out with a man-about town, who would never be caught dead with white wine and red meat.

I cut a small piece of my steak with a sharp knife. A small piece of steak has a tenderer to-mouth experience than chewing a larger chunk. A sharp knife slices easily through the meat presented on the plate giving the diner the feel and expectation of a tender meat.

Pairing wine with food has only one objective and that is to enhance the experience of both food and wine either by complimenting OR contrasting with the food.

I chose to contrast my dining experience that night.

I wanted the crisp, acidic nature of the Sauvignon Blanc to cut through the spiced-up eye fillet leaving a refreshing sensation for the palate. In this way, every mouthful of this steak will be an ever new experience.

I savoured my spiced-up steak with the occasional sip of the fruity Sauvignon Blanc – I was in heaven.

I hope the guy at the next table enjoyed his Bueuf Burguignon (beef burgundy with bay leaves). I did not think his girlfriend was too impressed with his slurp, But he had red wine though – that must score some points with his girlfriend.

So why do we do what we do? I am sure I did what I did because I do think about what I do. I am not sure about the guy in the next table though..... CHEERS or YAMSING or KANPEI!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

To sit or to squat - that is the question


To sit or to squat?

The "sit toilet bowl" was invented during the industrial revolution in Europe to solve their worsening sewerage problems brought about by its growing population. The device in effect made the process of doing the number 2 (Big one) private and out of sight. In conjunction with the 'flushing" system, it very quickly replaced the universal squat method naturally used by every human being in the world before the mid 19th century.

It has taken almost 200 years before this invention reached Shenzhen International Airport in China. In the toilet at this Airport, amongst all the squat cubicles there is one such "sit" toilet, and that cubicle is clearly marked "for weak only". 

Given that the Chinese has mastered the art of introducing / imitating the developed world's products, why has it taken so long before this "sit" toilet made its way to Shenzhen?


Perhaps they know something the "sit toilet" world never knew.

According to a report by Science News Online (Feb 2003), fecal stagnation is the leading contributor to colon cancer, the major killer disease in the west. The report went on to say that the sitting posture whilst in the toilet constricts the colon, preventing a complete discharge of waste from the body causing inflammation of the bowels. 

However, colon cancer is rare in the developing world and the report further suggests that the reason might be related to the squatting position as it is nature's way of fecal discharge, naturally used by majority of the non-western world.

So next time we see those "starting blocks" flanking the "hole in the ground" in Shenzhen International Airport, or anywhere else in our travels in China, you now know why it has taken so long to have sit toilets in the country. Perhaps instead of seeing it as a yet-to-be developed part of the nation, see it as a product of the nation's wisdom from its 5,000 years of culture.

Perhaps now after almost 200 years there is a reverse osmosis when it comes to westernisation of China.   It has taken a smart graduate from London's Royal College of Art to realise why the western sit toilet has so much resistance in China. The Chinese instinctively know that humans are not anatomically meant to sit when eliminating. This graduate re-invented the Squat/Sit toilet. He called it the Penseur, a sit toilet that positions the user in a 'squat' position. 

Its about time sit toilets are re-assessed. In today's Apple'lised society, 200 years is indeed a long time to keep using the same product.


Friday, July 12, 2013

Are the Chinese loud?

why are the Chinese so loud
For first timers in China, the experience of a business lunch will always be memorable. Not only will they be overwhelmed by the variety of foods at the restaurant, their every sense will be bombarded by the noise usually at ear-splitting decibels.

“What is everyone arguing about in that restaurant?” my Australian business colleague asked me one day after lunch. It was his first trip to China and his first business lunch in Guangzhou.

He did not know that the Chinese has a high cultural noise threshold.

Yes, there is indeed such a term as cultural noise threshold (CNT). It is the level of decibel beyond which it becomes socially unacceptable during a conversation.

Generally most would think that Asians have a higher CNT than the west. If one Googled “LOUD TOURIST” you will find most hits on the first page would refer to the rude loud-talking Chinese tourists. So why are the Chinese so loud from the West’s perspective? Is it cultural or simply a result of 1.3 billion people trying to talk to each other?

This has always puzzled me until now.

Realising that high CNT affects the image of the country internationally; a State Department joined forces with the country’s tourism industry planned an image makeover. The result was a ‘World’s Citizen Guide” booklet published recently (see link below) for citizens travelling overseas. The guide espoused the values of lowering one's volume when talking and further suggested; do not boast, do not lecture, act small, do not be didactic….. http://worldcitizenguide.org/pressDownloads/WorldCitizensGuide.pdf

Wait a minute; is this guide appropriate for China?

I forgot to mention this was created by the State Department in Washington in the USA.

Yes - this guide was for Americans travelling overseas.

On the second page of the Google search “LOUD TOURISTS” – Americans, Africans, Arabs, Spanish, Italians and Brazilians are also listed. Together with Asians, this group comprises 70% of the world's population.

Perhaps we have got the CNT wrong after all. If we used it as a measurement of softness then for those talking below the CNT would be considered rude and uncivilised as they do not speak up enough for majority of the people in the world to hear them.

Now I got the answer – the Chinese are not loud – it is the others who are soft. How rude of them.

“Stop mumbling..…..Please speak up!”

Thursday, July 11, 2013

They eat their phlegm

Chinese spitting
Notice the spittoon on the floor between them
A Chinese farmer, in his eighties, complains about the rapid pace of westernisation in the country. He thinks China ought to be selective in adopting western culture confessing he has never been to Macdonalds or Starbucks. He believes burgers and coffee are bad for his digestive system.

However, the farmer believes the worst habit from the west is eating one’s own phlegm.

“Do you know what western people do with their phlegm?” smoke bellowing from his bamboo pipe.

“I was told they clear their throat, and then silently eat the phlegm” squinting his eyes adding more wrinkles to his weathered face.

“I find that habit vile” loudly clearing his throat and spitting the contents into a porcelain spittoon.

During the historic meeting in 1982 between Deng Xioping and Margaret Thatcher, Deng would often expectorate loudly into a spittoon strategically placed between them. In the polluted Beijing air, Margaret Thatcher was reported to have caught a cold and in the duration of the entire meeting coughed to clear her throat. She never used the spittoon. I wonder what Deng would have thought.

Had she used the spittoon and not ate her phlegm would the course of history change? Would she have kept British sovereignty over Hong Kong for another 150 years? Instead she conceded to handing Hong Kong back to the Chinese in 1997.

In today’s global community, to expectorate loudly and openly is considered uncivilised not to mention unhealthy. To the west it’s considered vile, a habit that is bred out of children at a very young age.

What then is the alternative?

There are only two options, silently and in private spitting it out OR simply swallowing. Most would choose the latter as place and time often does not permit doing the former. The problem is close to 1.3 billion people in the world find the latter vile and this Chinese farmer is one of them.

What then do we do? Loose the sovereignty of a nation or just do what the masses do?


Friday, July 5, 2013

The serious side of SIGNs


Below are a selection of SIGNs I came across.  Enjoy........


In a seafood restaurant:
Fresh Crap for 7.99/lb

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

In a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

In a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A sign in a local hotel during breakfast.
Bums with meat

Unintended results

Below is a welcome card, translated into English, provided by a small town hotel north of China. The hotel prides itself in their customer service. 

Unfortunately the well meaning messages were translated with unintended results.




Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

See I told you so.......

Friday, June 28, 2013

Elixir of life

Kazakhstan and China has a long lasting bond.

In early November 2012, scientists announced the discovery of the Elixir of Life, at an international scientific conference held at the University in Kazakhstan. They took two years to develop the “Nar” a yoghurt based drink. The 72 year old, Kazakhstan President, Nursultan Nazarbayev, gave orders to the university's scientists to come up with an 'elixir of life', soon after the institution was established in 2009. British expert, Dr Jennifer Rampling, based in Cambridge said that this secretive yoghurt had been drunk by Nursultan and has prolonged his life. She even went further to suggest that they have now approached Queen Elizabeth to test the product. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/9660827/Elixir-of-life-could-be-real-according-to-British-experts.html)

If the first emperor of unified China, Qin Shi Huang (born in 259 BC) were alive his response to last November’s scientific conference would be “I told you so”. Shi Huang Di in search for the illusive elixir sent the Daoist alchemist XuFu, together with 1000 men and women to the ‘Eastern States” in search for the elixir. They were instructed never to return without the elixir. They never came back. Legend has it that these 1,000 men and women resided on a large island and started their own community which is known today as Japan.

From time immemorial, rulers across continents had had a fascination with immortality believing that a certain potion drunk in a certain cup at a certain time will grant them eternal youth. In India, the Amrita, the elixir, has been described in Hindu scriptures. In Europe, the 18th century German nobleman, Count of St Germain, was also reputed to have the Elixir and to be several hundred years old and Frenchman Nicolas Flamel was also a reputed creator of the Elixir.

What a shame Qin Shi Huang didn't go West.
He died in 210 BC at the aged 49 – OR DID HE?

He gave up the search for the illusive elixir soon after the widespread introduction of Buddhism in China during his reign. Buddhism subscribes to the belief that we are learning souls and we continue to learn until we reach the ultimate goal – Nirvana. Until then we are reincarnated again and again to learn to be better souls. In short we never really die – we just keep coming back.

Kazakhstan and China has a common history back in 1200. Kazakhstan was part of the Mongol empire which stretched from China to Eastern Europe. Genghis Khan ruled Kazakhstan for almost 500 years and his grandson, Kublai Khan ruled China for 100 years. During this period trade, migration, cultural exchange and political imperialism created the biggest landlocked territory of ancient China.

Perhaps the President Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan IS the re-incarnated Qin Shi Huang.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Who first played Soccer?


Ever wondered about the origins of the game "Soccer"?

Soccer, the world’s most popular game (according to FIFA) is played by 250 million people.

Ever wondered where it all started?

On July 15, 2004, Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA, formally announced to the world that soccer originates in Zibo, Shandong province, China. Not many know that this sport was called Cuju in ancient China.

A leather feather-filled ‘ball-like’ object dribbled by opponents with the intention of kicking it into a the opponent’s net during the Han Dynasty China (221 BC) was a popular sport within the imperial court. According to FIFA: “The very earliest form of the game for which there is scientific evidence was an exercise from a military manual dating back to the second and third centuries BC in China.” The sport was refined during the Tang Dynasty (618-907) and Song Dynasty (960-1279), when professional players would entertain the imperial court and played against the imperial officials. To add excitement and speed to the game the leather ball was filled with air replacing feather providing an afternoon's entertainment for the Emperor and his invited guests.